Down The Rabbit Hole: The Great Mascot Conspiracy

 
Using material recently gained from top-secret Government reports and scurrilous liberal blogs
run by ill informed people, Angry Chinese Blogger can, for the first
time ever, reveal the shocking story of espionage, insanity and
Intellectual property, that it "The truth about China’s Olympic
mascots".

The Conspiracy


Contrary to the conventional wisdom; that Beijing’s decision to pick 5
individual Olympic mascots was scheme to extort five times more money
from dumb white tourists, Angry Chinese Blogger can now exclusively
reveal that China’s Olympic Mascots are part of a conspiracy, reaching
to the highest levels of the Chinese and American governments. A
conspiracy to conceal the existance, and operations to hunt down, a
rogue unit of American covert operatives.

MASCOT


According to reports, what have been billed as 5 ‘friendly mascots’ for
the 2008 Olympics are, in actual fact, members of an elite force of
genetically enhanced US ‘super soldier’, operating deep inside Chinese
territory.

The team, code-named MASCOT; Mighty American,
Subservient China, Obedient Taiwan, are a group of 5 elite commandos
who were enhanced at the genetic level using a combination of animal
DNA, experimental radioactive isotopes, and design sketches for cell
phone screen buddies, to enhance their fighting and infiltration
abilities, and to give them so-called ‘super powers’.

The team
was hand picked by the highest ranks of the CIA, and inserted into
China early in 2005. They were originally intended to infiltrate
Chinese society, posing as foreign teachers and South Korean
politicians (hence their outlandish appearance), and were assigned four
primary mission goals.

• To bring down the Chinese Government through the raising of dissent and the disruption of command and control capabilities
• To seek out defectors within Chinese civil and military structures
• To plant false communications that will scare Taiwanese authorities into buying more US arms
• To enforce RIAA death warrants.

Their first official mission, to
scare Taipai into buying more US weapons, and the EU out of selling
weapons to China, by encouraging Beijing to pass an aggressive
‘anti-succession law’ was a resounding success. As were 43 subsequent
missions to carry out RIAA ‘Termination Orders’ against Chinese file
sharers. However, from there on, things rapidly deteriorated.


In August, 4 of the 5 members of MASCOT suffered what has been
classified as ‘serious mental instability’ after being exposed to
copious amounts of MSG for an extended period, an eventuality that was
apparently never considered by US intelligence officials.

Little is known about Mascot’s current
status, or their actions over the last 3 and a half months, except that
they have apparently deserted their primary mission and gone ‘rogue’.
Vanishing among China’s ex-pat communities, where their outlandish
garbs, bizarrely contorted features, and inability to get out of bed
before 2pm, have allowed them to blend in almost seamlessly.

Team Profile


Though information about MASCOT is scarce, and their existence has been
denied by Beijing, Washington (now a subsidiary of Haliburton) and the
RIAA. Some information has been gleaned from official communiqués and
scribbling found on restaurant napkins.

From this information,
Angry Chinese Blogger has been able to construct a dossier on MASCOT,
and to put together limited profiles for each of its members. It has
also obtained the one and only authentic and unedited picture of the
team still in existance.

Mighty American, Subservient China, Obedient Taiwan

Each of the MASCOT team members has a
codename ranging from Weapon X 1 to Weapon X 5, and can be identified
by the characteristics given to them by their animal DNA.

• Weapon X1: Huanhuan, Zippo Lighter (Rumored to be an Olympic Flame)
• Weapon X2: Jingjing, Edible Panda
• Weapon X3: Beibei, Carp
• Weapon X4: Nini, Swallow
• Weapon X5: Yingying, Tibetan Antelope

Weapon X1


An overseas Chinese, weapon X1 was originally trained, by the CIA, as a
commando in order to help Taiwan to cede from the mainland, but was
transferred to the MASCOT team when the Washington realized selling
arms to a semi-independent Taiwan was better for the US economy that
actually doing anything that would allow it to become independent.


Weapon X’s strength has been greatly enhanced beyond the levels of the
other MASCOTs and he has ability to fire heat rays from both his eyes
and anus. He is also completely impervious to all forms spicy food and
cannot be subdued by means of pepper spray or Sichuan curry.


After exposure to MSG, Weapon X1 was the first to show signs of mental
instability and, in particular, is believed to have developed an
obsession with the Chinese concept of ‘Face’.

Little is known about Weapon X1’s
habits or tendencies except that he likes nachos and that he suffers
from bloomophilia; the compulsive desire to snatch white cotton panties
warn by petit Asian Women.

Weapon X2


Males are urged to be particularly aware of Weapon X2, an electronic
espionage specialist, who has been described as being ‘a hyper sexual
Panda’.

A rash of calls by women, offering
“massages” to hotel patrons, has lead Chinese authorities to believe
that Weapon X2 may currently be in the Puxi area of Shanghai. As yet,
western intelligence sources remain skeptical as to the validity of
these leads. Chinese security services assured Beijing
that the calls, mostly made between 1 and 2 AM, must be the work of a
foreign agent because “No Chinese women would ever do that”.

Additionally, Weapon X2 has the power to fly without mechanical aid, and to use squat toilets without falling over backwards.

Weapon X3


Weapons X3 is an explosive expert who was originally trained to
infiltrate and destroy fake Nike factories, food convoys bound for
North Korea, and buildings containing civilian.

Unlike the
other three operatives, Weapon X3 is not thought to be suffering from
MSG induced mental instability, but is instead believed to have been
infused with the belief that he is Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi
Junichiro, after he was accidentally exposed to an issue of the Sankei
News that Beijing forgot to censor.

As such, security forces
are basing their capture strategy on the premise that Weapon X3 is
likely to seek out war criminals and the tombs of mass murderers in
order to glorify them in ways that are never fully explained by the
Chinese media.

Though Weapon X3’s present whereabouts
and intent remain unknown, there have been persistent reports from
North East China of a ‘giant’ or ‘hideously mutated’ carp like creature
roaming the countryside and apologizing at random to complete
strangers.

Chinese officials have however dismissed these reports and are discouraging their dissemination.

There have also been indications
that Weapon X3 may have, on several occasions, tried to reform the
welfare state system, and to privatize China Post.

Weapon X3’s
special abilities include super speed, naturally occurring synthetic
aperture Gaydar, and the power to link completely random events
together and determine that they must be a terrorist plot again the US.

Weapon X4


Weapon X4 differs from her fellow MASCOT in that she was modified from
birth rather than later on in life. She has no enhanced physical
strengths or abilities but instead has been bred for enhanced mental
abilities. Her powers include:

• Telepathy: the ability to
  read minds, which has been greatly enhanced by the fact that Chinese
  only think about four things (Face, sex, whatever the Government is
  telling them to think at that specific time, and Japan).

• Telekinesis: The ability to move small objects through the power of the mind.

• Temporal-Precognition: The ability to predict the future.

• Propagando-precognition: The ability to predict which line of bull the Chinese Government will come out with next.

Since her exposure to MSG, Weapon
X4 is known to have become increasingly distressed about her inability
to control her mind reading powers, and is believed likely to head to
areas were no conscious human thought takes place. As such, Chinese
middle schools have been asked to be on the lookout for a freakishly
large swallow like creature, and extra guards have been placed around
the offices of CCTV 1.

Weapons X5


Weapon X5 was the chief MASCOT linguist. He is a fluent Chinese speaker
and is conversant in many Chinese verbal arts that seem either
completely incomprehensible, or completely pointless, to foreign
onlookers.

Even before the MSG incident, Weapon X5 was the
least mentally stable of the MASCOT. A former postal worker; Weapon X5
joined the MASCOT team, taking on the guise of a Tibetan Antelope, as a
means of escaping years of being teased for his inane smile and
resemblance a Thunderbird’s marionette that had been allowed to sit in
the sun for too long.

During basic training, the pressures of
learning the Chinese language, mastering the ability to eat peanuts
with Chopsticks, and remembering not to write with his left hand,
became too much for Weapon X5, and he began to suffer delusions, in
particular that he was a Canadian named Mark Rowswell. However, despite
this obvious mental aberration, Weapon X5 was allowed to join the
active service rosta and was dispatched with the MASCOT team.


Shortly after being exposed to MSG, it is believed that Weapon X5 ‘went
native’; suffering the terrifying mental affectation of believing that
the Chinese system worked, and that the Government was a nice friendly
regime with its people’s best interests at heart.

Weapon X5’s
possesses the same enhanced strength and senses of the other MASCOT
agents, plus a frightening array of linguistic powers, including:

• The ability to render an opponent senseless through the performance of Cross-Talk

• The ability to simultaneously feed bull to 1.3 billion people while grinning and waiving his head around like a madman

• The ability to be instantly disliked by Ex-Pats, yet be loved by Chinese

• Weapon X5 also possesses an
  advance cloaking ability, allowing him to be instantly recognizable in
  China, yet utterly obscure in the rest of the world.

Authorities have however noted that, despite his ‘native’ stance, Weapon X5’s family is currently located in the west.

Weapon X5 was last seen accepting a
large bribe in Canada; shortly after making a film to promote
federalism that included no mention of federalism. He is currently
thought to be resident in China, where he has been employed by the
ministry of propaganda to promote the belief that whites can’t see
anything wrong with imprisoning farmers who complain about corrupt
officials steeling their chicken.

• The transference of defense R&D interests from military control to civilian government administration.
• The removal of barriers separating military and civilian development interests (the cross fetching of R&D resources)
• The introduction of competition into the Chinese defense sector.